Within five minutes of being in my parents' presence, one of them will tell you that when I was little I wanted to be a "tennis pro or a CIA agent when I grew up." True, I fancied myself a person of action, either winning tournaments or fighting crime. I never looked into the future and imagined myself a mother. To the extent I thought about motherhood at all, it was in an abstract sense. Meaning that I thought it was something I'd get to one day, in the same way one "gets to" moving into a bigger house when a smaller one is outgrown or moves to a different town for a better job. I had no specific images, the way I had specific images of other feats.
The year I graduated from law school, a woman with whom I took the BAR exam started working for a large firm of trial lawyers and I went to work with an attorney that had just started his own firm advising cities, mostly so that he could do things the way they should be done and so he could spend more time with his family. When my daughter was born, I left my partners and reduced my work schedule. Thirteen years later, I my income is a fraction of this woman's; I haven't been inside a courtroom in a year, and I've not accepted any invitations to speak at conferences I attend in my chosen field. The vernacular for this state is "Mommy track."
I couldn't be happier. I drop my daughter off at school in the morning, hold her hand until she enters the classroom, and I'm the first person she sees when the bell rings in the afternoon. In between, I work about four or five hours as an attorney for a small city. From my daughter's point of view, I am a stay at home mom. But I am fortunately able to keep one foot planted in a career that I love as much as anyone could, and that has given me so much.
The woman I referred to above is in trial several weeks a year, and she is very notable within trial lawyer circles. The other day, I had to research a piece of proposed legislation, and when I went online to see who had testified against this particular bill, there was her name - she also belongs to a trial lawyer's association. She is a partner in her law firm, and trains other lawyers and speaks regularly at conferences. She also has two young sons.
When I imagine her life, I try very hard to view it in a light most favorable to her, meaning that I wish to believe she is a good mother to her sons and that they want for nothing. However, I am left wondering who takes care of them. I think she has a nanny. I would not be able to stomach a nanny. Nannys, governesses, highly-paid babysitters - they're all paid to do what mom can't get to because of her career. I can't imagine anyone else raising my children. When does my colleague go on field trips, help out in the lunch room, engage in the rather tedious task of nightly homework?
I really don't think it's possible to "have it all." No one knows who I am in my field anymore. I don't really care. My daughter knows who I am.
11 comments:
What about an Au Pair? They're usually sexy and French.
You can't have it all, but you are as close to that as possible. What good will being highly successful and rich do your daughter? None. Honestly, having a parent so involved in her life will make her a better-adjusted kid. Good choice.
Hi TF:
Ah yes, the au pair! If I hired one, she'd have to be a little bit homely! Do they exist?
Thanks for your comment. I have used all my sick leave this year, but so far my employer is understanding. Kids don't care about money. They just want you to show up.
I LOVE this post. You are touching on stuff that I've been dwelling on recently. In fact, I just purchased The Mommy Wars from Amazon - a little late to the topic, I know, but I just wanted to get some casual research done for myself. All of this is at the front of my brain right now because you hear a lot of banter about a mother's choices on the playground. When really, shouldn't we be watching the kids? I'm going back to teach in a few years. The hope will be that I'll get paid for something I enjoy while keeping a similar schedule with the kids :)
P.S. Just came across a great book. "Frog Belly Rat Bone" by Timothy Basil Ering. Check out the illustrations! (And I love the story.)
Offspring or not, it seems that the legal profession has a warped sense of what life is and why we work. I am a first year, we had a corporate lawyer speek in our legal writing class and he said that "if you don't want to work 12 hours a day straight through holidays you are a wuss, you are a sissy and you won't make any money." It made me want to drop out. I'm afraid to look for a summer job. I went to law school so that I wouldn't be miserable in my job. I chose poorly
Hi Mae:
I'll have to read that book. WHEN you move here, :) We'll have a lot to talk about on the playground. Most moms I know have made really wise choices. The moms who work all the time - I never see them, so I'm not sure what their point of view is.
Hi Anonymous:
If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this: don't believe a single thing they tell you in law school. NOT A SINGLE THING. Here's why: There ARE jobs out there where you don't work 12 hours a day. You just have to search for them. Lawyers who work 12 hours a day are the real wusses; they most likely go home alone and stand over the sink eating a sandwich. Then they get drunk and fall into bed.
I hated my first year so much that I quit. It took me two years to go back. But I'm so glad I did. There is no other profession I can think of - except perhaps a doctor, a counselor, or a priest -where one can build relationships with clients and actually help them. It's the relationships that matter the most to me - hearing a cient's legal problems as well as personal, And the client knows these issues are kept utterly confidential to the end. Please write back and tell me how you're doing, o.k?
I still have not gotten to the point where I am ready to give up my life for a child. I would like to think I will feel differently some day. I don't want to work when I have kids and work is important to me. I agree, you can't have everything. People try and something always suffers. And that something shouldn't be a child.
No worries, I can't afford to pay back the loans so I have to stay in school. But I have say that being around my classmates, professors, and lawyers has shaken my faith in humanity.
Jaded 1L:
I understand. It might take awhile for the faith in humanity to return, but the fact you had it means you'll get it back.
Leezer: I can't picture myself working after Feebo arrives. I know some women do it, and more power to them, but I just feel that I need to be home. I'm lucky because my job is flexible and I can work from home once the baby comes. But I think you've struck a great work-life balance and I'm sure Georgia is all the happier for it!
Leezer:
What an excellent post! Now of course, I am dying to know who the woman is ... I think you have superb balance.
Jaded1L:
This is totally off the subject of the post but I needed to respond - I don't think Leezer will mind. I had this same thought while in law school, except that I was further along and really could not back out. I graduated in the middle of the pack, jobless in a recession, even though I passed the bar. I have not worked a day as a paid attorney, as life would have it. This I do not regret. I agree totally with Leezer but would like to add this, which is along the same lines: for people of conscience, the legal profession is one of SERVICE. Who do you serve? Who do you want to serve? Do you want to serve at all? Like Leezer said, the end of the first year is a good time to get out - or at least take a break. During that time you will find out whether or not this is something you really want to do or if you just made an expensive mistake (get a deferment on your loans). There are lots of jobs in the world that will not make you miserable!
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