Promise Children

We arrived at the introductory meeting - a mandatory meeting held by the agency we would use to adopt - late. The only seats available were in the front of the room, which was filled with about twenty folding chairs, four across and five deep. The staff person leading the introductory meeting began by welcoming us and politely acknowledging that all of us are probably here to adopt a healthy infant. She asked us to take home the booklet that was placed on each of our chairs, a booklet full of "Promise Children."

Promise Children are those who have physical or mental abnormalities, delays, injuries, or something else that renders them not otherwise "perfect" according to their country of birth. I flipped through the booklet. Big mistake - first, because I was in the very front, which means that every one saw my shoulders shudder up and down as I sobbed, and second - because most of these children have Downs Syndrome, in addition to cerebral palsy and other sever forms of mental retardation. My older sister and only sibling has Downs Syndrome. I'm a goner. My husband lovingly took the booklet out of my hands and said, "You know you shouldn't be looking at that now," and I realize what comfort it is to be married to someone who knows me better than I do.

The staff person asked us to please consider for adoption one of the Promise Children inside the booklet. She apologized for the somewhat impersonal method of placing such children inside a booklet, but she explained that it is nearly impossible to persuade people to adopt such a child were it not for such a catalogue. This seems illogical to me. If a person wanted to adopt a child with special needs, wouldn't they already know it? If a decision to adopt a child with special needs is based solely upon viewing a picture in a booklet, then is it wise to let an adoptive parent, so easily and naively led, become the parent in such a situation? Probably not. But I know I am not going to adopt one of these children, so I let it lie.

I have spent a lifetime as the sibling of a mentally disabled sister beating myself up over the fact that I am NOT the best person to take care of a special needs child. And my sister, relatively speaking, was an easy special needs child. I could go into the countless hours of therapy and self-loathing I have endured over this fact, but it is a fact that remains unshakable to my core. I am impatient, physically active, quick, and I need a lot of feedback. Parents of special needs kids must live in a world where they are patient, often (but not always) physically inactive, where the world moves excruciatingly slow, and where feedback or gratifying events are parceled out differently than in the world of "normal" kids. I decided long ago to leave the special needs kids to those who are equipped to raise them, and I'll do my best to make the most of who I am.

So I moved away from the Promise Children booklet and devoured an hour full of questions and answers about the adoption process. We knew we wanted to adopt internationally, rather than adopt an American child.

In the American system, there are non-private and private adoptions. Non-private adoptions seldom involve infants, and most of the time only older children are available for adoption. Tragically, these older children have often been the victims of physical and sexual abuse and require parents who are able to deal with such a background. And the parents must become legal foster parents before they can adopt children. We knew we are not the right parents for such troubled kids, especially because we have a six year-old biological child.

Private adoptions typically involve unwed mothers who are looking for families to adopt their children. I have a friend going through this process right now. It is, more or less, a beauty contest. When the mother "picks" the family to adopt her child, she has a window of opportunity after the birth in which she can change her mind. My friend has been told that she should expect "at least one" adoption to fall through after the mother gives birth. The expense is staggering, as the adoptive parents are often paying for the birth mother's medical and living expenses. I quickly dismissed this type of adoption as a possibility. I couldn't imagine outfitting a nursery, paying for the mother's boyfriend's car and stereo repair, or whatever, only to have her change her mind. Infuriating. But it happens. In my view, these kind of adoptions are nothing more than emotional extortion.

So we settled on the international adoption system. Now we would have to decide which country we were comfortable adopting from.